wither
the post goes something like this:
i'm bugged by some problems that didn't niggle at me as much as before.
i'm losing steam study-wise.even though i'm not bothered by what CAP i get, i'm very bothered by this lack of verve to strive. the beginning of this sem saw me keeping up with all lectures and tutorials,though i still am very much doing my lectures and reading my notes,i just can't push myself in this last stretch before the finals.i'm not thinking as much about the holidays as the same period last sem,but i don't know what is this thing that eats away my energy.
someone help me get my act together.
this frustrates me more.
i realised i'm not as strong a person as i thought i was.
partly due to the fact that these little things(or not so little after all) get to me easily and distract me, and partly due to the fact that i can't move on as easily as i'd love to. i have immense inertia, there is always this wall in front of me that stops me from achieving greater things. when this(any) nice girl comes around, i always chicken out.there is hardly any courage in me that boosts my confidence to go for it,any of those that i had to go for that last tile or to ask seemingly dumb questions that no one dares ask went hide somewhere obscure.not just relationship-wise.i have ambitions too.those of you who know me better should know that i'd love to open a cafe dishing out niceties to everyone who comes along.but what have i done other than talk about it?i don't see anything.and what's this safety net thing about studying engine so i have something to fall back on?thinking of failure before even trying,this will do me in.i lack the initiative to go for what i love.i love climbing but i only climb once a week,only when the school rock gym is open.there is hardly anyone i know well that can match my urge to climb everyday.and i'm not doing anything to satisfy my craving.what the hell.i need to get moving.be braver.but i don't know how because i feel so heavy-hearted everytime i know lots of effort is needed to keep it going.
I'm too logical a person. i want to be more spontaneous, act from the heart with less things going through my head.every little thing passes through my head,every possible consequence and effects it has on me and everyone.and this stops me from doing some things that i'd love to do.why am i not in the climbing team yet?the stupid reason is because i'm afraid i would lose interest after some time,so i decided to try it out for a year.and look at all the climbing time i lost.life will be more fun if i am more impromptu and unpredictable.but what are the consequences?
i'm not losing control or losing my mind.just losing grip on reality and myself.
does this happen all the time?
i hope it never comes again,cos it is depressing.
i'm bugged by some problems that didn't niggle at me as much as before.
i'm losing steam study-wise.even though i'm not bothered by what CAP i get, i'm very bothered by this lack of verve to strive. the beginning of this sem saw me keeping up with all lectures and tutorials,though i still am very much doing my lectures and reading my notes,i just can't push myself in this last stretch before the finals.i'm not thinking as much about the holidays as the same period last sem,but i don't know what is this thing that eats away my energy.
someone help me get my act together.
this frustrates me more.
i realised i'm not as strong a person as i thought i was.
partly due to the fact that these little things(or not so little after all) get to me easily and distract me, and partly due to the fact that i can't move on as easily as i'd love to. i have immense inertia, there is always this wall in front of me that stops me from achieving greater things. when this(any) nice girl comes around, i always chicken out.there is hardly any courage in me that boosts my confidence to go for it,any of those that i had to go for that last tile or to ask seemingly dumb questions that no one dares ask went hide somewhere obscure.not just relationship-wise.i have ambitions too.those of you who know me better should know that i'd love to open a cafe dishing out niceties to everyone who comes along.but what have i done other than talk about it?i don't see anything.and what's this safety net thing about studying engine so i have something to fall back on?thinking of failure before even trying,this will do me in.i lack the initiative to go for what i love.i love climbing but i only climb once a week,only when the school rock gym is open.there is hardly anyone i know well that can match my urge to climb everyday.and i'm not doing anything to satisfy my craving.what the hell.i need to get moving.be braver.but i don't know how because i feel so heavy-hearted everytime i know lots of effort is needed to keep it going.
I'm too logical a person. i want to be more spontaneous, act from the heart with less things going through my head.every little thing passes through my head,every possible consequence and effects it has on me and everyone.and this stops me from doing some things that i'd love to do.why am i not in the climbing team yet?the stupid reason is because i'm afraid i would lose interest after some time,so i decided to try it out for a year.and look at all the climbing time i lost.life will be more fun if i am more impromptu and unpredictable.but what are the consequences?
i'm not losing control or losing my mind.just losing grip on reality and myself.
does this happen all the time?
i hope it never comes again,cos it is depressing.
posted by jensen @ 12:33 PM
3 Comments:
At Thursday, March 23, 2006 8:21:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
Ah, don't worry, sometimes you'll lose direction and steam. It happens.
I have it too - certain times during the term when I realised I do not have the drive anymore, to get things done.
But then, you take a breather, and it comes back. Sometimes, it's more important to make a measured decision, rather than jumping into things too spontaneously. Practicality always works best at the end of the day.
Take care. :)
Wat
At Monday, March 27, 2006 7:04:00 PM,
bikwei said…
i can already imagine you sitting somewhere, staring into the open, face expressionless and just thinking about all that :)
we all lose ourselves at some point in time, but what's important is you find the way back.
perhaps you should think of studying engine as a way to earn some capital to start your cafe business instead of it as a safety net. got to have the moo-lah before you can do that right? :)
climbing, it's never too late. or rather, better late then never.
as for girls, want me to take a look at them first and veto those cmi ones?? hee i'll gladly do it. haha and poke fun of you at the same time.
in love and passion, follow your heart. in work and ambition, i agree that it's better to plan and do some homework. reality is harsher than we all think we know.
At Tuesday, March 28, 2006 12:52:00 AM,
jensen said…
i am strong and invincible.and we all know it.haha.what ever happens now, in the future, you'll see me happily married to a wife im very much in love with, married to a successful career which im very much in love with, and actively climbing, which im very much in love with.and all the friends i have now,which im very in love with.platonically.
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